procreation - the other side

saw the doc today

pmarie33 — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 19:07:28 +0000

She ordered Femara and another SA for the man. Her main question for me was when do we go see someone more powerful than her? I told her as soon as we exhaust all non-invasive things like meds and SAs. So not too much longer.

The last SA he did was several years ago. My cycles are completely normal and I get strong +opks every month, so it’s not me… it’s him right? lols. I wish diagnosing were that easy.

call back

pmarie33 — Tue, 13 Sep 2011 14:32:34 +0000

The doc called back last week and said the next steps are to go see an RE that they work closely with. However, their offices are 50 and 100 miles away. WTF? That RE office would do the initial consult and any procedures, but my monitoring would be done at my OB office. I wasn’t happy with this next step and told the nurse so. I think it’s a little soon just to say, “we don’t know what to do with you, so we’re going to send you somewhere else”.

I asked what the doc thought about Femara and the nurse said she doesn’t prescribe Femara because it’s very expensive and there is no generic. Seriously? That’s the reason you came up with? I called bullshit and told her that my insurance’s website shows there is a generic and it cost $5 at my pharmacy. Femara itself is $55. She (the nurse) thanked me for the info because she was unaware. FFS.

I got another call back yesterday and my doc wants me to come in to see her in a few weeks to discuss things. This better not be a “here’s what they will do when you go up there” meeting. I’ll be pissed.

cycle 20…again

pmarie33 — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 20:26:15 +0000

This is getting effing ridiculous. In the last 5 years, I’ve spent 4 of them TTC.

I called my doc today wanting to know what the next steps are. Waiting for her to call me back.

Back when we started TTC #2, I made the number one mistake in the TTC world by telling a few gals at work that were pg when I was the first time. Because you know, it’s so much easier to get knocked up quicker the second time. Barf. Since then, one of them is already back from another maternity leave. The other is in her 2nd trimester. Both of them ask me frequently how its going. I lie every time and tell them that we are still just chugging along.

It’s a lie because we aren’t just chugging along. I’m suffering emotionally. The man tries to cover up his emotions, but I can see through it. He’s wanting it to happen just as much as me.

Then I think about our little girl who will be turning 2 soon. Our little girl; who I blindly thought would be a big sister by now, who I want so bad to give a close in age sibling to…and can’t.

Fuck you. And fuck you too.

pmarie33 — Fri, 17 Jun 2011 14:53:36 +0000

“WHAT ARE YOU ALL WAITING FOR?”

Yep. That’s what someone across the table at Beef O’Brady’s yelled in our direction the other night. We were minding our own business at a retirment party for one of the man’s co-workers and somehow my ute was brought up in conversation. Now mind you, most of his co-workers are in their 50s and all got PG many moons ago on their honeymoon. So it has to be that easy for everyone.

I ignored them as if I didn’t hear them and kept on playing with O, showing her the proper way to eat an Oreo.

Fuckheads.

It’s been a year since my last post.

pmarie33 — Mon, 13 Jun 2011 17:57:26 +0000

Still TTC #2. I thought for sure this one was going to be a lot easier this time around. Boy was I wrong. We’re on the tail end of cycle 17. Doesn’t seem possible since #1 is only 19 months old.

I feel like a failure or that my body keeps failing me. Not sure which. Every month I can see the disappointment in the man’s eyes when I tell him I’ve started.

Today is his birthday and there’s nothing more that I want to do then give him good news. I’m 99.99999% sure that’s not going to happen. Yesterday and Saturday I was spotting. Nothing today. That’s where .00001% hope falls in. I’m really tempted to test, but know it’s useless. I even went to Dollar Tree and bought 3 tests.

Hope drives me crazy.

hello cycle 5

pmarie33 — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 01:53:27 +0000

So I started again today. Good news is that I’m pretty regular. The last 4 cycles have been pretty nice to me being 32, 26, 28 and 27 days respectively. I keep reminding myself that the first time around, we tried for over a year before charting, using opks, or doing any kind of first step testing. Once we started all that, it took 22 cycles.

We can’t wait that long for #2. We just can’t. I’m knocking on 35′s door and terrified. What if…..

oops

pmarie33 — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 22:27:01 +0000

I had no idea I was on cd 13. I started charting this cycle, but wasn’t feeling it, so the thermometer got booted. We only had sex this morning because he wanted it. Keeping the man happy has been #1, sometimes #2 on my daily list. He does so much for me and the baby. I really am incredibly blessed to have him.

That said, I’ve never hated having sex until recently. It still burns like a bitch and I thought for sure by now that would have subsided. Ugh. He can still see how much it hurts me as I don’t hide the grimaces and I still quote the doc and say “That was for you”. I push him away as soon as he’s done and try to make a joke about it since it feels rude. Usually I say something like “OK, everybody out”. We both laugh and go on with our day. Poor guy. I wish I could enjoy it more, but he seems to be ok with it all.

+ opk!

pmarie33 — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 16:56:27 +0000

Wow, I haven’t done this in a while. It’s funny how excited I got.

cycle 1

pmarie33 — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 02:03:45 +0000

was 30 days. Not bad, not bad at all. I can’t decide on whether or not to chart this next time. I half assed it with no temps last month.

Decisions decisions.

Methinks I’ll sleep with the thermometer tonight Justin Case.

ewcm!!

pmarie33 — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 03:51:12 +0000

Right on track so far.

Aaaaaaaaaaaand Lactaid isn’t working. I may lose my mind soon. Although I am enjoying my soy mochas from Starbucks. I joined their rewards program and get free soy milk in my drinks. Woot!

hmm, that’s interesting

pmarie33 — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 20:52:11 +0000

I finally went to pick up my script for Provera yesterday. I was going to take a test this morning, as instructed, then start it today. Sure enough, I started to spot last night. Today it’s very light. I wouldn’t consider it flow yet. As of right now there is no need to take the Provera.

And I just picked up some Lactaid. I downed a glass of milk this morning because it was taunting me and I’ve been paying for it big time. I think it’s getting worse. I hope this stuff works.

Provera

pmarie33 — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 02:59:02 +0000

I never thought I would need it to start my period. My cycles before getting pregnant were pretty normal. 29-33 days. Ovulating regularly was a different story.

It’s been 13 weeks since O was born and 6 weeks since I last pumped. I thought for sure that when I called the doc last week that I would start this week. Nope. So I’m going to start Provera tomorrow, providing I remember to go pick it up after work. If I don’t start within 2 weeks of my last (10th) pill, I call the doc back.

Are we crazy for wanting another child so soon? Yes, maybe, I don’t know, probably. But we aren’t getting any younger.

I can’t live in denial forever

pmarie33 — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 21:48:34 +0000

I’m afraid I have become lactose intolerant. It’s weird because I drank so much milk and ate my fair of string cheese while pregnant and never had any problems. I craved ice cold milk. So much that our 4 frozen beer mugs turned into my 4 frozen milk mugs.

Since giving birth, my body just can’t tolerate it. I turn into Farty McFartson a few hours after drinking milk or eating pretty much anything dairy. I have been in denial for almost 12 weeks now. I go back to work on February 8th and I can’t just walk around the office crop dusting the place like I have at my house for the past 3 months. That is probably against some sort of policy.

I’m not sure how to deal with this now that I’ve had a come to Jesus moment. What about my mochas? Ice cream? Pizza?

The worse part – cookies. I can’t enjoy cookies without milk. Downing a glass of soy or rice milk after 3 delicious oreo cookies just isn’t the same. I might just crawl into a ball and pout. This isn’t going to end well for anyone involved.

bitchfest warning

pmarie33 — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 16:27:21 +0000

My mom has never been one to go to the doctor on a regular basis. I can’t be too critical as the only docs I see on a regular basis are my OB and Dentist. Anywho, she hurt her back last week. Normally, this wouldn’t be a problem, but she is my primary care giver to Olivia when I go back to work in less than 3 weeks.

Seriously, she hasn’t lifted a finger for herself in two years, and last week she decided it was a good diea to shovel her driveway. AYFKM? This is the kind of thing that she would previously call my brother for or ask my husband. And she only did a strip to the mailbox.

She called me last Friday to bring her some pain medicine. I took her a few Tylenol 3s. Just enough to take the edge off so she could drive.next.fucking.door to the immediate care center and get evaluated. She wouldn’t let me take her right then.

I told her that back problems don’t just go away in a few days and if she can’t walk or pick up Olivia, she can’t watch her. I’m 99.9% positive that this struck a nerve with her (no pun intended). Fast forward 2 days. She went to the ICC. They told her that she had done something to her sciatic nerve and gave her lortabs. This explains the pain in the lower back and legs and why it’s so hard for her to walk right now.

Fuck me running. I don’t want to put O into daycare until she’s at least a year old. I may not have a choice. Ugh. Mom is just as disappointed as I am right now because she realy wants to take care of her during the day. We’ve been talking and preparing for it for almost a year now. As soon as we told her I was pregnant, she asked to keep her 3 days a week.

She has an appointment with her doctor on Friday. Hopefully, the nerve isn’t totally shot and she will feel better soon. Not so much for me and Olivia, but for herself. She’s retired and if she stays in bed all day popping lortabs, she might get comfortable. She doesn’t have a history of this behavior, but I kmow how easy it can be when you aren’t working and still getting an income.

Hopefully, the thought of not being able to see O all the time like she was planning will be enough for her to strive to get better. I really hope so.

sex hurts

pmarie33 — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 17:10:07 +0000

I had ewcm yesterday and took full advantage of it. Holy Mary, Mother of God, it still hurts. We used a ton of preseed too.

well, that’s that

pmarie33 — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 16:26:06 +0000

It’s over. Caput. Finished. Done.

Empty.

Empty is the best word to use I guess. For the last day and a half I have pumped 5 times and nothing has come out. Not a single drop. Of course I bawled like a little baby this morning. Now I smell ike maple syrup for no fucking reason. Thanks Fenugreek.

I’m not sure there is anything else I want to say about it. Maybe next time will work out better.

one last effort

pmarie33 — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 14:54:04 +0000

I’m giving the oatmeal and fenugreek two weeks to help my milk supply. If it doesn’t do anything, I’m done pumping. I have ordered these to help her latch better. I know I can make more if she could latch on a regular basis, but that doesn’t happen. This is all I have in me. I’ve busted my ass for the last six weeks to barely get an ounce a day.

We put her on Similac Advanced Sensitive (soy) because she just wasn’t doing well on the regular Similac Advanced. Similac sent me a sample container and she’s taking it very well. Today is day three and she’s definitely not as fussy as she was during and after feedings, but now her breath smells like corn afterwards. :/

I’m gonna miss them

pmarie33 — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 21:51:01 +0000

Today was my last appointment at the OB until next December. I had my annual pap while I was there today. When she said, “see you in a year”, it kind of felt so final. I know my pregnancy is over, but I’m still in some sort of denial about it.

The nurse that checked me in has been the same one that has checked me in for almost a year. I love her to death. She asked what birth control we decided on using. I said “none”. Then she said, “so I guess you’ll be using condoms”. I said, “no”, then gave her a quirky smile. She looked at me with a big grin and said “you go girl”.

My Dr is thrilled we are going to start trying right away. Of course she is, because that means more $$$ for her. There is no sign of my period, but that should change in a few weeks as I plan to stop pumping if the Fenugreek and oatmeal don’t work.

Fast forward to conversations held while she was doing my pap. I’m still tender down there and she’s talking to me about this, that and the other about sexy time. Then all of a sudden she says, “the first few times are for him, not you and your first words will probably be take it slow and don’t mind my painful looking face”. I about died laughing and told her I was going to tell my husband she said that.

The plan for #2 is to start trying as soon as I get my period. If nothing after six months of trying, call her.

she latched!!!

pmarie33 — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 00:13:39 +0000

onto lefty for about 15 minutes today. I try to get her to latch every few days or so. Normally she lashes around with her mouth open and never bothers to try. It just pisses her off and she ends up melting down. Then I get upset because she’s upset. It’s a giant vicious circle.

Not sure how much she was able to get, but I did see her swallow a few times. I’m pretty sure she was using it as a soothie most of the time, but I’ll take it. The best part…. it didn’t hurt! Woot!!!

Then I moved her over to the other one. Not such a good idea. She didn’t like it.at.all and wouldn’t latch. Baby steps.

I’m having a hard time

pmarie33 — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 20:31:18 +0000

O is starting to grow out of her newborn clothes. I’m starting a pile on her dresser and it’s getting bigger after every load of laundry. This is making me incredibly sad. She’s still in Newbaby Pampers Swaddler diapers, so that helps a little. In August we bought the smallest size Swaddlers that Sams Club sells. I think they are size 1-2 and up to 15 pounds. We use these at night for obvious reasons.

Don’t get me wrong, I want her to grow up big and strong, but I can still be sad that she’s not 8 pounds anymore. At her last doc visit on the 12th, she was 8lbs 14oz.

Fun updates:

- She hates tummy time unless it’s on our chest.
- She loves her jungle play mat.
- She has mad burping skills.
- She likes looking at herself in the mirror when she’s on the changing table.
- She’s smiling and cooing at mama a lot!
^ This totally makes up for everything that is making me sad.

tis the season

pmarie33 — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 01:44:14 +0000

I took a trip to our Vet yesterday. The man was off of work and the cat needed food. She’s on a special diet for her kidneys. I made some coffee, put it in a to-go mug, cranked up the Christmas tunes and enjoyed the 30 minute drive to the clinic.

I know all the people there since my husband’s uncle is an equestrian doc for them. They let a select few animals hang out in the lobby and one of them is some sort of exotic bird that is very interactive named Tiki. He’s awesome.

When I went to pay the $40 for the 10lb bag of catfood they told me we had $150 credit on our account. Turns out, the uncle put that on there with a message: “Congrats and Merry Christmas”.

SCORE!

sleep

pmarie33 — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 00:20:03 +0000

I wish I had more of it. It’s almost impossible to sleep when she does when you are home alone. I’ve tried a few times, but then my mind wanders about things that I should be doing. The man has had a wacky schedule at work. The week after she was born he had to work. He tried to schedule his vacation time in advance, but since babies don’t have a calendar, it was pretty hard. The week of Thanksgiving he was only off on Thursday and Friday, but had the whole next week off. This week he had to work Monday – Wednesday and a half day Thursday and is off Friday.

He’s off all next week!!! I could really use the company and help. Don’t get me wrong, having my mom come over long enough for me to take a shower and do some stuff around the house is heavenly. Honestly, I need some sleep. I have ugly bags under my eyes and I’m cranky alot.

Don’t get me started on emotions. I cry all the time. Sometimes it’s a happy cry when O looks at me and smiles (on purpose or not). Mostly it’s because I miss my husband and I hate that he has to go to work while I don’t. I hate hormones.

baby is crying, until next time….

let’s talk vag care after delivery

pmarie33 — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 17:31:20 +0000

If you happen to be a lucky one, I hate you. just kidding, but not really. =)

I had a third degree tear. It hasn’t been as bad as I thought it was going to be. When I asked her (doc) how bad it was and she told me, I was scared shitless. I’m not sure I mentioned in my other post many details about it, but now I will.

I have no idea how many stiches are/were up there. She didn’t count or tell me. She did tell me that she had to repair my vagina and rectum. ::insert screams here:: The stiches are supposed to dissolve in 7-10 days. Today is day 12. I hope they are gone.

Day 1
The night shift nurse takes me to the bathroom after removing my cathetar to show me what to do. Wow, mesh pants have come a long way since I worked in a nursing home. Anywho, she was very patient, nice and knew my epi was or has already worn off. They wanted to give me percosets for the pain, but from past experiences, I know I can’t function on those bad boys. So I ended up with Tylenol 3.

Back to the toilet…
Inside the mesh pants is a baby’s newborn diaper filled with ice. After peeing, I was to rinse with with warm water, (this peri wash bottle is my best friend right now) pat dry with toilet paper, spray area with Dermoplast and apply witch hazel pads (Tucks) on top of the diaper. This procedure went on for the first day and a half. When I sat up, it was if I was sitting on a bag of rocks, but the coldness was awesome.

Day 2
OK, enough with the ice. I moved onto the long thick maternity pads. These were uncomfortable too. My poor bottom was all messed up. Still doing the procedure. Pee, rinse, dry, spray and apply witch hazel.

At this point, my urine is pretty bloody in the hat they want me to pee in. Kind of scary to look at. And I have to call the nurse every time I pee. Great. They took me to get a sitz bath. that was nice and all, but there was no padding for my back or neck. They really need to work on this.

Today
I’m still doing the procedure plus taking a few showers daily. Gotta keep everything clean. Plus all the warm water feels so good. The man even found me more Dermaplast and witch hazel pads. I didn’t know witch hazel was just an ingrediant used in Tucks pads. Learn something new everyday. He’s been so great throughout all this.

I go back to the doc on Wednesday for my first postpartum visit. I hope to get good news. Sitting is still very painful. Riding in the car is no good either. I’ve only been on the road 3 times. 1 time too many (I’m not getting into that right now).

odd (bfing mentioned)

pmarie33 — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 16:26:19 +0000

My left boob produces much more milk than my right boob. Funny thing is, she won’t latch on to the left one. She gets on the right one very quickly, but I don’t think she’s getting anything because I never hear or see her swallow. Such is life.

::keeps pumping::

I’m gonna be an AW for a moment.

pmarie33 — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 17:43:03 +0000

10 days past delivery.