saw the doc today

•September 26, 2011 • Leave a Comment

She ordered Femara and another SA for the man. Her main question for me was when do we go see someone more powerful than her? I told her as soon as we exhaust all non-invasive things like meds and SAs. So not too much longer.

The last SA he did was several years ago. My cycles are completely normal and I get strong +opks every month, so it’s not me… it’s him right? lols. I wish diagnosing were that easy.

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call back

•September 13, 2011 • Leave a Comment

The doc called back last week and said the next steps are to go see an RE that they work closely with. However, their offices are 50 and 100 miles away. WTF? That RE office would do the initial consult and any procedures, but my monitoring would be done at my OB office. I wasn’t happy with this next step and told the nurse so. I think it’s a little soon just to say, “we don’t know what to do with you, so we’re going to send you somewhere else”.

I asked what the doc thought about Femara and the nurse said she doesn’t prescribe Femara because it’s very expensive and there is no generic. Seriously? That’s the reason you came up with? I called bullshit and told her that my insurance’s website shows there is a generic and it cost $5 at my pharmacy. Femara itself is $55. She (the nurse) thanked me for the info because she was unaware. FFS.

I got another call back yesterday and my doc wants me to come in to see her in a few weeks to discuss things. This better not be a “here’s what they will do when you go up there” meeting. I’ll be pissed.

cycle 20…again

•September 8, 2011 • Leave a Comment

This is getting effing ridiculous. In the last 5 years, I’ve spent 4 of them TTC.

I called my doc today wanting to know what the next steps are. Waiting for her to call me back.

Back when we started TTC #2, I made the number one mistake in the TTC world by telling a few gals at work that were pg when I was the first time. Because you know, it’s so much easier to get knocked up quicker the second time. Barf. Since then, one of them is already back from another maternity leave. The other is in her 2nd trimester. Both of them ask me frequently how its going. I lie every time and tell them that we are still just chugging along.

It’s a lie because we aren’t just chugging along. I’m suffering emotionally. The man tries to cover up his emotions, but I can see through it. He’s wanting it to happen just as much as me.

Then I think about our little girl who will be turning 2 soon. Our little girl; who I blindly thought would be a big sister by now, who I want so bad to give a close in age sibling to…and can’t.

Fuck you. And fuck you too.

•June 17, 2011 • 1 Comment

“WHAT ARE YOU ALL WAITING FOR?”

Yep. That’s what someone across the table at Beef O’Brady’s yelled in our direction the other night. We were minding our own business at a retirment party for one of the man’s co-workers and somehow my ute was brought up in conversation. Now mind you, most of his co-workers are in their 50s and all got PG many moons ago on their honeymoon. So it has to be that easy for everyone.

I ignored them as if I didn’t hear them and kept on playing with O, showing her the proper way to eat an Oreo.

Fuckheads.

It’s been a year since my last post.

•June 13, 2011 • 1 Comment

Still TTC #2. I thought for sure this one was going to be a lot easier this time around. Boy was I wrong. We’re on the tail end of cycle 17. Doesn’t seem possible since #1 is only 19 months old.

I feel like a failure or that my body keeps failing me. Not sure which. Every month I can see the disappointment in the man’s eyes when I tell him I’ve started.

Today is his birthday and there’s nothing more that I want to do then give him good news. I’m 99.99999% sure that’s not going to happen. Yesterday and Saturday I was spotting. Nothing today. That’s where .00001% hope falls in. I’m really tempted to test, but know it’s useless. I even went to Dollar Tree and bought 3 tests.

Hope drives me crazy.

hello cycle 5

•June 7, 2010 • 1 Comment

So I started again today. Good news is that I’m pretty regular. The last 4 cycles have been pretty nice to me being 32, 26, 28 and 27 days respectively. I keep reminding myself that the first time around, we tried for over a year before charting, using opks, or doing any kind of first step testing. Once we started all that, it took 22 cycles.

We can’t wait that long for #2. We just can’t. I’m knocking on 35’s door and terrified. What if…..

oops

•April 25, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I had no idea I was on cd 13. I started charting this cycle, but wasn’t feeling it, so the thermometer got booted. We only had sex this morning because he wanted it. Keeping the man happy has been #1, sometimes #2 on my daily list. He does so much for me and the baby. I really am incredibly blessed to have him.

That said, I’ve never hated having sex until recently. It still burns like a bitch and I thought for sure by now that would have subsided. Ugh. He can still see how much it hurts me as I don’t hide the grimaces and I still quote the doc and say “That was for you”. I push him away as soon as he’s done and try to make a joke about it since it feels rude. Usually I say something like “OK, everybody out”. We both laugh and go on with our day. Poor guy. I wish I could enjoy it more, but he seems to be ok with it all.